Disarray

I did it. I dropped my art class.

Nobody here really cares, right?

But. I dropped my art class.

It is the rational thing to do.

I’d never major in art, I can always take the class some other time.

But sociology, now that is a useful subject. That is something I might major in.

Good decision, good decision.

So why is it that I get this horrible feeling when I see my friend walking to the art building with her art pad dikepit in her armpits?

That art class is one of the most fun classes I’ve had in my entire life, and also the most relaxing. And even though I was never an art person (I can paint and color, but I can’t draw for shitx), I feel very at home in the studio.

And you know what the best part was? You know how sometimes teachers look at the students’ work, single one out and go like, Okay this is an example of how it’s done? Mine was that work.

So you see? I don’t suck at it.

I feel so worried, like I’m muddling up my Life-and-What-it-could-Potentially-Be.

I mean, back in high school during those Pendidikan Seni classes, I enjoyed painting. Like, really really enjoy, like, spend-hours-upon-hours-per-painting that kind of enjoy. Like, I’d make myself finish up all the other homework (or at least, the homework that I can’t get away with not doing), so that when I finally start painting I can fully relax and enjoy myself.

And I don’t think I did very badly la, I got pretty decent grades for those weekly paintings. (Okay, I got B’s la, but that was when C’s were extremely common and A’s were rare.)

So yeah, maybe I have a secret love for art. But nobody freaking builds upon it because the way we see it, art can be nothing more than a hobby. The closest thing to an art career that still commands respect is architecture.

And I’m worried, you know? Because if Pendidikan Seni homework was so incredibly satisfying/enjoyable (and that is only an appetizer to the full course meal that is a full immersion in the arts), and if only a week of college art class can make me love it that much, maybe there’s something there, right?

Maybe, if I just let myself try, go explore this field, maybe I’ll discover something?

The only reason I still can’t make up my mind about the sort of bachelor’s degree I want is that I still have not found my passion.

I like a lot of things, but if I’m going to make something my career, if I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing it, if it’s going to be something by which the world is going to define me, then I’m sure as heck making sure that it’s something I’m deeply passionate about.

And how the heck can I know what I’m passionate about, if I stick to the same things I’ve been studying?

I’m completely ready to go all the way to make my passion my career.

During winter break, we had a lot of really long conversations at the dining table in my friends’ dorm. Someone said something that I think hit home for some of us. He said that he wants to follow his passion (sounds super idealistic hor?), but if he does he knows he’ll feel extremely guilty because that sort of career doesn’t pay well, and he knows he has the responsibility of taking care of his parents.

I know my parents want me to go ahead and do something that pays well, but the thing is, I don’t want to go into a career only because it pays well; if that happened then I’d be letting money become a factor in what defines me.

That’s not gonna work. I am more than that. I am so much more than my paycheck.

I am completely content with having just enough to survive, with living sans huge cars, beautifully furnished houses and illogically expensive fashion items. (Well I never really had those things, so I’m positive I can survive without them.) I just need to like be completely in love with what I’m doing.

And that is why I’m scared. I so worried that I haven’t tried out different fields enough to find what that love is.

As you can see, I am a very confused person.

Last night, instead of studying for my French quiz and writing my psychology paper, I was up Googling different careers.

Like I said, I need direction. And boy, I need it soon!

(I’m going to have a lot of dessert tonight, to forget this weird, uneasy feeling I have right now. I feel like what seems to be a rational, practical decision might just turn out to be a very wrong one!)

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